Another day another airplane and while frequent flyer miles are great to have, I prefer using them to receiving them. Business travel is a fact of life but I wonder if it could get better. Worse than the travel is the coinstant delay and on this flight we had to wait an extra hour on the tarmac for no apparent reason. When we finally took off, I decided to come up with the top things I want to hear the captain say while flying.
11) Folks, I am going to descend down to about 2,000 feet which is not only a safe altitude but should allow you to turn on your Blackberries to send and receive messages. Feel free to turn them on.
10) FAA regulations now require that our flight attendants drink a pint of beer prior to working to make sure they are in a great mood throughout the duration of the flight.
9) My daughter is getting married tomorrow and tonight is the rehearsal dinner. My supervisor has authorized me to increase our speed by a factor of two so we can get to our destination ahead of schedule.
8) The copilot and I are beta testers for a new in-flight WiFi service but we’d like to limit usage to only those people who write for a living and maintain a top-rated blog
7) To save weight and thus fuel, all our airlines will now serve caviar and champagne instead of unsatisfying stale pretzels.
6) Our first-class section will only be occupied by those of you in the communications market as you all had some really tough years between 2001-2003.
5) Every seat on this plane is equipped with wireless broadband triple-play technology with built-in DVR. We have taken the liberty of recording the most popular shows from the last 365 days for your viewing pleasure.
4) In appreciation of your continued patronage I am happy to inform you that your frequent flyer miles for this trip can be instantly converted into a coupon for a top of the line Apple iPOD. Alternatively the stewardess can hand one to you with your complimentary headphones if you desire.
3) Due to a flight attendant strike, our entire attendant staff has been replaced by models from the Ford Modeling agency… Thankfully these models come highly recommended by the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models also on board this evening.
2) In order to ensure passenger comfort, all seats on this flight have been fitted with electronic massage and a complimentary pair of noise canceling headphones.
1) An unexpected fire in our mini-pillow factory has forced us to purchase human-size pillows you may actually be able to sleep on.
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