September 2007 Archives

This is one of those customer service stories that make you want to bang your head into the wall.

Last year, I stopped using my regular small-town oil company because the fixed price they were offering was a lot higher than what other companies were offering. I would have liked to remain loyal to them, but the cost difference was just too great to ignore. They had bought all their oil in bulk just before prices dropped and, though I felt sorry for them, decided that my budget came before my customer loyalty. I ran with another company. Let's call them "Petra."

This year, my tried and true small-town oil company's price was at least as competitive as Petra's. I knew I was safe...my contract with Petra had, after all, run out, so they wouldn't deliver any more oil to me. I signed a contract with Small Town Oil, Inc., my old standby company, and forgot about Petra. A salesman from Petra called my home number and left a message. I ignored it. Then Petra sent a letter informing me that "if they didn't hear from me, they would continue delivering oil to me." Wait...so that means the contract I signed last fall only protects Petra from having to give me oil at last year's price. It doesn't protect me from having an endless, unwanted relationship with Petra?

Apparently. I'd never before heard of those one-way contracts. They must be a newfangled thing in modern law practice.

So I called the company call center. Told the guy who answered I didn't want to do business with them this year. He said, "I'm sorry, I'll have to transfer you to customer retention. Only they can stop an account."

I sighed. Then I waited on hold. For 15 minutes. Keep in mind, the point of this exercise is that Petra is TRYING TO RETAIN ME AS A CUSTOMER. Don't you put all the customers you're trying to keep on hold for a quarter hour? Finally, the original guy came back on. He informed me no one was available in customer retention, I'd have to call back.

I said, "Pardon me, but it sounded like you said *I* would have to call the customer retention department back?"

"That's right," he said.

"But I don't want to be retained. I just want you to stop all oil deliveries or service on my oil burner."

"I can't do that," he said. "Only customer retention can do that."

I was silent for a moment. "Are you spotting the irony here?" I asked.

Apparently, he wasn't.

I gave him my cell phone number, since he couldn't tell me when "customer retention" was going to call and try and retain me. I also informed him that since I had called and informed a company representative that I no longer wanted to do business with the company, I would not pay for any products or services Petra tried to foist upon me. He yawned and hung up the phone.

Yesterday, my spouse was home sick with a cold. "Petra called," he told me when I arrived home. "Said they won't cancel the account without talking to you. Wouldn't take my word for it. They want you to call them back."

Keep in mind, this is still Petra trying to "retain" me. Apparently, giving them my cell phone number had been the equivalent of whistling into the wind.

I still haven't spoken to Petra. I've had about all the retention I can stand. I'm almost tempted to just let it go and see if they try and shower me with more retention, then try to charge me for it.

The only thing I'll be "retaining" after that is a lawyer.

TES

I paid my credit card bill late last month.

I had a million excuses. The plumbing was on the fritz, my water heater had exploded, I didn't check my e-mail, I forgot to write the due date on my calendar, the planets weren't in alignment and my tux didn't come back from the cleaners. All things said and done, it just slipped my mind until the day after it was due.

That said, I was mighty irked when a $30 late charge showed up on my bill. I was indignant. This was the first time I'd slipped up. I'd been a good customer for years. Didn't they keep upping my credit limit (whether I wanted them to or not, but that's a story for another day)? Hadn't I always paid on time before? Wasn't I loyal? Didn't I tolerate their reams of junk mail without originating a restraining order against their postal mail fulfillment house?

I decided to call the card issuer and raise hell. I figured at the very least it was a good way to let off Monday steam. I explained to them about the baby. The water heater. The e-mail. The misaligned planets. The tux. I waited for them to tell me to go pound sand, and then something amazing happened.

The female agent, who was clearly based in India judging from her accent, agreed with me. "You've been a good customer," she said. "I'll take that charge off your bill."

Splutter. Cough. Whaaat? "You will?" I asked in an incredulous voice.

She laughed and asked if there was anything else she could help me with.

"N-no," I stuttered. "Thank you."

I figure this new "ask for what you want" strategy might work in other places. I'll start by calling the manufacturer of my old water heater and asking where they get off making shoddy products that leak and spray hot water all over consumers' basements.

I've always believed that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but it's nice to find out that there are a few occasions where a consumer needn't squeak to be treated with some consideration.

TES