Talk about bizarre e-mail marketing. I just got the following e-mail from Virgin Atlantic, which I think I've flown once in my life. My comments have been inserted...in bold.

Dear Tracey,

Has a phone call from Richard Branson been on your holiday wish list as long as you can remember? [No, never...not even that time I took all that cough medicine with codeine.] Whether you've been naughty or nice this year, your wish is about to be granted - he's waiting by the phone! [Why? Is he waiting for a return call from NASA to find out if the space shuttle fleet is for sale?]

Of course, we knew a plain old greeting card just wouldn't do for you this season. You're so special to us [that single coach flight to London I took with them in 1999 must have really impressed them], and have been such a big part of our success this year that we couldn't think of a better way to thank you than to have the big guy himself [who, God?] call you with a message of holiday cheer.

To have Richard give you a phone call, please visit virginatlantic.com/RingMeRichard and let him know the best time to reach you [next time he has two free first-class tickets to London to give me, that would be a good time]. Then, snuggle up with a steamy mug of hot cocoa or a nicely chilled cocktail, and "ring" in the season!

Happy holidays from The Virgin Atlantic team.

Well now. I just don't know what to say.

TES